


trembling stars are shining

by nap_princess



Category: Ever After High
Genre: 20BiTeen, 420 blaze it, Ace Chase, Angst, Bisexual Darling, Daring my beautiful disaster son, Disclaimer on bullying, Drama, F/F, F/M, Honestly just weed, Honestly wtf, I wrote this fic for me but y'all can read it if you want, I'm 'hiding' the LGBT issues with a love triangle, Les-be-honest Apple, Mentions of consensual doing the do, Modern AU, Multi, Some Drug Use, The Charming fam is a disaster, There's a lot of talk about sexuality, Underage Drinking, Why does EAH give me the best love disasters?, abandoned work, and i don't tolerate that shit, cause y'all don't care about the bisexuals or aces, don't you dare rant about the ship, i've read the comments - i know those who ranted don't care about the rest of the LGBTQ+, if you came here just for 'that ship' then leave, new years resolution: more memes because people take me too seriously, plot over romance, school au, this fic is more about sexuality than romance, you ain't allies you just thirsty, you don't get to pick and choose which members of the LGBTQ+ community you support, you either support us or you don't
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-09-28 16:19:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17186294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nap_princess/pseuds/nap_princess
Summary: Darlin' little queens, do you know what you're worth?– Darling-centric, AppleDarlingChase love triangle, high school AU





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [This Is What Makes Us Girls](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/443978) by Lana Del Rey. 



> **Summary for the Chapter:**

> Darling for the entirety of this fic basically:  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> PLEASE don't come here and erase Darling's bisexual identity, I'm getting comments that either promote her lesbianism when she's with Apple and/or state she's straight when she's with Chase, it's an issue and I'm tired. You don't get to pick and choose which members of the LGBTQ+ community you support, you either support us or you don't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 1: This story is entirely in Darling Charming's POV.

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter one**

* * *

* * *

This is what makes us girls,  
We don't look for heaven and we put our love first, somethin' that we'd die for,  
It's a curse,  
Don't cry about it, don't cry about him,  
We don't stick together 'cause we put our love first,  
It's all gonna happen

–  **Lana Del Rey** ,  _This Is What Makes Us Girls_

* * *

I think love's a messy business. I'd reference my 'love life' but maybe later. For now, I'll reference my friends' love lives.

Raven and Cupid– they're in love with the same boy; Dexterous – which, involves me in _some_ way. And it's not just because I'm friends with these girls. It's because Dexterous (most people call him 'Dexter' because it's easier to pronounce, I call him 'Dex') is my brother. My  _twin_  brother, actually. And it's super weird that both my friends are in love with my sibling. Even weirder since Dex and I look alike, so in some universe, Raven and Cupid could have maybe been in love with me. That is, if they weren't straight.

And since this is my narrative, I just want to bring in the topic that I'm not. Straight, that is. I'm bisexual. I'll circle back to that, it's one of my reasons to why my 'love life' is a mess.

Anyway, both Raven and Cupid having a crush on Dex is more than a little weird. It's even weirder since no one mentions it despite it being as clear as day. If  _anyone_  were to bring it up, it's clear our group will break-up and it's clear who's side I'd pick - Raven's.

However, Raven isn't cruel, she'd  **never**  do that to Cupid; the poor girl would be all alone. Cupid hasn't made any friends since she moved from her old school. I can't remember the name of it now, but it starts with an 'M', and according to Cupid, she still gets postcards and updates from her friends from that old school. Making friends was way easier back there than here. I think she really should have stayed there.

Cupid's the odd one of us three. I know the majority of the student body see us as a trio but I think everyone – including Cupid herself – knows she will never quite fit in here. Among us three, Cupid's the bubbly one, who's too innocent for all our shenanigans. She's dubbed the 'stupid bitch' who gets her skirt caught against the window handle while sneaking out. She's the one who cries about boys who don't deserve any of her tears while me and Raven drink on the job. Cupid's the type of girl fretting about being too dumb to pass Math while Raven and I would give each other a look, knowing none of us would amount to anything in this dumb town.

Book End is really old and traditional. It won't head anywhere unless we break out of the mould.

But, I will say, it's  _really_  brave of Cupid. It's brave for her to dream because I know for a fact that Raven and I had given up long ago. Cupid is too much of a sweetheart to be with us – her and her big heart and equally big doe eyes.

Sometimes I think we ruined Cupid. I mean, she was troubled before she came to us but I want Cupid to have better options. I think she's only sticking around us the same reason why most people do, because Raven and I are a lot of fun, and looked like we had no care in the world. But that's a lie.

Everything is a lie. I don't know why anyone listens to us. We're only here for a good time.

 _This Is What Makes Us Girls_ by  _Lana Del Rey_ is blasting out of Raven's car radio as we drive to school. Raven has one hand on the steering wheel while her other is hanging out of the window dangerously. If the car were to flip, her arm would be crushed. But it doesn't matter. I don't think Raven's living for the sake of living.

The wind is rushing through our long hair, I'm sitting next to her in the passenger seat, mouthing out the lyrics and Cupid's in the back seat, sitting in the middle. A sucker is hanging from Cupid's mouth, staining her tongue red, and she's delightfully squealing at her phone.

A pale hand lands on my shoulder and Cupid calls on me. "Oh, look at this, Darling!" Cupid says, angling her pink phone so that I can read whatever's on her screen.

I blink my blue eyes. It's a  _Facebook_  invite to a party. It's by Apple White.

Ah, you may want to remember that name – Apple White.

"I'll go if you go!" Cupid says friendly but she's basically bouncing in her seat. Anyone can tell she's excited and wants to go badly.

"Go where?" Raven asks, purple eyes on the road.

"Apple's throwing a party." I say the same time Cupid shoves her phone to Raven's side but Raven just tilts her head away.

"Cupid, I'm driving. Just read it out for me." Raven replies and her dark brows scrunch up.

Cupid's lovely face turns into an apologetic one. "Oh, I'm sorry, Rae. But, basically, Apple's hosting a party this Friday at White Manor. There's going to be free food and drinks. It starts at seven and it sounds like fun!"

"Uh, I dunno." Raven shrugs, her dark hair flying behind her as more wind is pushed into the car via the open window.

"Oh  _please_ , I'll only go if you girls go!" Cupid begs and unleashes her puppy dog eyes. It doesn't work on Raven since she's driving but it almost works on me since I can angle my head to turn and look at her.

"I can't." I say, my soft voice sounding secretive. "I already made plans."

"What?! You guys! You're no fun!" Cupid whines.

Despite all the stuff I said about Cupid, I am glad she's my friend. Cupid is the only ray of sunshine in our girl group. If Cupid weren't here, I'm pretty sure Raven and I would succumb to a life of wearing only black, writing emo poetry and telling our parents, 'You don't understand me!'

"Rae.  _Rae_ , it's just you and me now! Please, come with me!" Cupid continues begging.

I smile to myself and close my eyes as Cupid and Raven's chattering melts into the background. I let my mind wander and let the wind kiss my skin hello and good-bye. By the time we reach school minutes later, it turns out I had dozed off and I'm glad nobody has drawn on my face or pranked me with a wake-up kiss like in those  _Disney_  movies.

* * *

"Hey, Dare." I greet, raising a brow when my oldest brother, Daring, leans against my locker all show-offy.

Daring let's out a proud laugh, perfect teeth shining. "Little sis!" He greets back.

He'd pat my hair adoringly too if he was ignorant to my routine. He knows I take pride in my hair. It's kind of a distinction between us Charming siblings.

We  _really_  look alike, if you squint and line us up, you can really see the similarities – same strong jaw, same blue eyes, same skin colour. The blonde to brunette ratio triumphs. But you can still pick out our strongest features – with Dare, it's his dazzling smile; with Dex, it's his eyes, they're bluer than both Dare and mine; and with me, it's my long hair. It cascaded down my shoulders and almost looks silver though it's really a pale shade of blonde, I inherited from my grandma from my mom's side, and my mother takes great pride in that. Speaking of that, there are  _obvious_ favourites in the family which strangely doesn't turn us Charming siblings against each other. Well, anymore, that is. It used to, but we're working out the kinks now and bonding over it. It's fucked up, but,  _hey_ , it's better than nothing.

"So what's up?" I ask, adjusting the straps of my blue backpack; it's less heavy now that I've stuffed most of everything into my locker.

I know I might sound slightly suspicious by the way I worded my question. People think I'm a secretive girl. They use to joke that I have a lot of secrets because of how big hair my hair is – classic  _Mean Girls Gretchen Wieners_  move but I'm not anxious or anything. Daring is my brother, after all. It's just, he rarely talks to me at school unless needed to. We're close but we're not let's-hang-out-every-second close. Remember, we're  _still_  siblings and I can only handle so much of being near my brothers. I see them all the time at home.

"There's this party." Daring begins saying. His ever-present grin is stretched wider on his face and there's  _this glint_  in his blue eyes. Wow, I wonder if that's what I look like when I'm happy?

"Oh?" I hum like I didn't already hear this fact buzzing around the school halls.

Daring nods his head, "Yeah, Apple's throwing it."

"Apple White?" I ask even though there's nobody else in Ever After High with the name 'Apple'.

"The one and only." Daring says like he knows an inside joke. "I got to pursued her to invite both you and Dex."

I want to say, 'Really? Because I didn't get an invite' but don't. Instead, I focus on something else.

See, Daring calls Dexter 'Dex' too. Proof that we're close. But we aren't ...  _this close_. We don't hang out in the same clique; Daring's the standard cool kid, Dexter's the smart one, and I'm the rebel. And, to be honest, I'm more than a little confused.

Daring must have read the expression on my face because he says, "Oh, come on, it'll be fun!" It's exactly the same thing Cupid said this morning.

"Oh, wow, underage drinking, yay." I say sarcastically.

In response, Daring only sweeps his blonde hair away from his handsome face. Huh, I think I solved the move that gets all the girls in this school going gaa-gaa over him. "It'll be fun." He says again, his smile never faltering.

I shake my head, sending my long hair tumbling, "It'll be fun for you, Dare, but not for me and Dex. We'll be bored without our friends."

"You can hang out with my friends?" He offers but immediately takes it back when he sees me making a face. "Okay, then you can mingle and make new friends?"

I scoff. "I can't."

"You don't even know when or where it is."

"Friday. Nine PM. At White Manor." I say.

"Actually, it starts at seven." Daring corrects me but then says as his shoulder slump. "But, I guess, word gets out fast, huh?"

"Yup." I answer. "Look, I appreciate the offer, Dare, I really do. But I don't think it's a good idea for me to 'mingle' with your girlfriend."

Daring's cheeks turn pink from this. He defends himself, a degree off his usual confident self, "Apple's not my girlfriend."

"Yet." I chime in. Daring gives me a displeased look and I let the topic drop. Sighing, I chip in, "I meant it when I say I can't. I'm going out."

"With Raven and Cupid?" Daring asks.

"Not exactly." I shrug so it doesn't seem like a big deal.

"You have other friends?" Daring blanches like it's a big shocker.

"Just the Fencing Club."

"Oh, you mean,  _the enemy_."

The way Daring had said those words make me want to give myself a facepalm. I tell him, "The kids from Wonderland High are not 'the enemy',"

"We've been rivalling schools since 1865." Daring replies, blue eyes wide like I'm an idiot for not knowing this fact.

"Gosh, I get it, you love this school. You're the quarterback and you're loyal. School pride. Yadda yadda yadda." I jabber on, rolling my eyes.

I  _know_  that I  _should_  say all these facts with pride. Daring **is**  the golden boy but I'm low-key afraid Dare will burn himself out early and become a self-hating alcoholic. I'm not saying Dare's a good for nothing, he's not. He's smart and he's pushing for a degree that doesn't rely on a football scholarship, I'm just afraid he'll end up a deadbeat in this town. I know it's bad to stereotype since I  _really_  like the idea of controlling your own destiny but sometimes stereotypes exist for a reason.

I continue talking, not voicing any of my concerns, "But Wonderland High has a Fencing Club while our school doesn't because Headmaster Grimm is a douche and spends a majority of our budget on the Football team."

Daring sucks in a breath and straightens his varsity jacket, "Okay, fine, fair enough. Have fun with the Wonderland weirdoes. But, remember, if they offer you anything  _edible_ , reject it."

"Oh my God, can you be less judge-y, please? I like the kids there. Yes, they're weird but they're alright, they would never force me to do anything." I say, giving him a look despite the chance of Ever After High students listening and disagreeing.

Daring then throws up his hands like he surrenders. "Okay, I get it." Then he double checks, "So you're definitely not coming to Apple's party this Friday?"

"No." I shake my head. I'm thinking this conversation is almost over then I remember something and say, "Oh, by the way, I have Fencing today so you and Dex just head home without me, okay?"

"Are you sure you don't need a ride home?" Daring asks.  _Gosh_ , he can be such a protective older brother. It took forever to convince him to let Raven drive me to school.

"I'll walk." I say then Daring nods and bids me good-bye. We do this odd finger gun thing that Dexter thinks is embarrassing but we don't care. Blondes have more fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 2: I don't know what this is but chapter two will come soon because I like writing about Chase then I'll introduce Apple in chapter three maybe.
> 
> – 27 December 2018


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 1: Disclaimer on the misuse of drugs, I'll list my reasonings in Notes 2 to not be spoiler-y. Mostly, I just think you have to be trippy to be in Wonderland High.

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter two**

* * *

 

* * *

With my hands stuffed in the pockets of my leather jacket and my earbuds jammed into my ears, I make my way to Wonderland High. The students there don't even spare me a glance, I think they're either use to me visiting or are just plain disinterested, either way, that's high school for you. Most people just don't care.

I don't make my way into the main building or any of the smaller ones like the gym or science laboratories. Instead, I find my silver sneakers walking across grass. I know where I'm going, I'm heading to see someone. He's not the only  _one specific person_  I look forward to see when attending Fencing Club, but I think he's my favourite person in this 'enemy' school – and his name is Chase Redford.

Chase looks like the kind of guy you know who crams everything the night before a big test then shows up with huge dark circles and eyebags. I'm not kidding when I say Chase looks tired 24/7. He's in a good need for a vacation but I think Chase would never allow himself such a luxury. He naps though, whenever he can. I've seen him sleep behind the Wonderland High field, just under the bleachers. It sounds like a sketchy place to nap but it's not, actually. It's quiet and smells of dewy-grass, and I think it's lovely and pleasant.

I find Chase there minutes later, with sunlight filtering through the cracks of the bleachers; down on the spot he's resting at. There's this familiar smell in the air but I don't comment on it.

I'm _an entire_ _hour_  early for Fencing. And, before you ask, I'm not here because I'm eager to see  _just_ Chase. I have other friends here. But, I  _do_ think Chase is a cool guy – he's Headboy and Captain of the Fencing Club – he's certainly going places with his good grades and clean record, but just like Daring, I fear Chase will burn himself out early.

And there's a reason behind that.

Okay, so here's the thing, the explanation about our schools; Wonderland High is known for its drug use while Ever After High is known for its alcohol consumption. Both bad but two sides of the same coin. I'm not saying we're all shitty teenagers who won't make it in life, I'm just saying we have our problems. However, there is an upside (sort of). At least, we're not the school known for its teenage pregnancies (as mean as that sounds, and I'm not going into that).

I know people tend to say drugs are bad, but so is drinking in my opinion (though I do drink sometimes so I'm kind of a hypocrite). But in my defence, I think there is  _an exception_. And that's weed because you can't get addicted, no one's ever died from smoking or consuming too much, and it's proven to have medical benefits (I'm not saying get high and drive recklessly on the road, that's when someone  _does_  die, it's dangerous, I'm just saying weed's not as bad as people think it is).

But, anyway, Chase isn't even that bad when he's high, he's harmless, almost a vegetable, I even know his routine. Mostly he just eats a bunch of snacks, talks but in delayed responses, watch a bunch of dumb videos like  _Vine_  or  _Tik Tok_  because that's how short his attention span is, then decides "I'm going to listen to music now" and eventually falls asleep. And then when he wakes up, he's normal again. Or, semi-normal.

You may say I'm only making all these excuses because I have feelings for Chase but, I'm not  _that_ hopelessly stupid to let big things slide. I can tell when the flags are red.

Crossing my arms over my chest, my blue eyes stare down at Chase. Not in a creepy way, mind you, Chase _is_  a cute boy but ... I – I'm just … ? I don't know how to put it in words? It's not admiration. I guess I'm just glad to see Chase calm. He's … I mean, I think he's asleep? He has his arms folded behind his head and his eyes are closed.

At this moment, he looks  _so_  peaceful, unlike his usual stress out self. His face looks at bliss in this relaxed state, still handsome, and I see he's redone his red highlights. About time too, it was really bugging me.

I probably would have stood there, looking at him for what seemed like forever. I make no sound, sometimes I can be stealthy and secretive like people want me to be, but my staring probably gave it away. I think there's this science fact about people being able to sense eyes on them or like a near-by presence because I see Chase's cornflower blue eyes flutter open seconds after I yank my eyes away from him.

"Hey." He says, grinning at me. He sits up and brushes grass from the back of his dark hair.

"Hi." I answer back, throw my backpack to the ground and sit beside him cross-legged. I pull out my earbuds, top my chin on my linked fingers and try to act casual. At this point, I don't know if he's still high or not, the smell of weed is barely there but …

"You're here early." Chase states then blinks as if dazed. "Or are you? What time is it?"

Without looking at my wristwatch, I roughly guess, "Three." Ever After High finishes later than Wonderland High by an hour.

"You're early." He concludes and smiles. He had one of those nice boy smiles where you can tell it's genuine with no ulterior motive.

"Hmm," I hum back in reply and start pulling grass just to do something.

Wonderland High's system is a little odd. I mostly think I'll never understand it but that's Wonderland High for you. It has so many clubs that the school has to have two slots after class just so the student body can make it in time for their after-school activities – like Sewing Club from 2pm-4pm then band practice from 4pm-6pm – though some clubs require more attention than others. The timing in this school doesn't make all that much sense but I don't expect it to since I don't go here. However, I bet this crazy school would try to take a whole academic year and squeeze it into only a day if they really wanted to. School for only one day, can you imagine? Ha, maddening.

Breaking out of my daydreaming, I bring up a joke just so there's some conversation between me and Chase. "Didn't think I'd catch you breaking the rules again, Head Boy."

"It's after school, I'm no longer on the job." Chase says casually and drags his school bag towards him. He pulls out a chocolate bar and offers me some but I merely shake his head. Yup, he's defo still baked. "Anyway, you know me," He continues talking and shrugs before biting into his chocolate bar  _like an animal_.

If Chase notices the way I wrinkle my nose, he doesn't say it. That's not how you eat a  _Kit Kat_  bar! Like I said, he's a cute boy but he's no Prince Charming.

"Yeah," I say, not commenting on the way he eats his food. "You told me you have  _really_  bad anxiety and insomnia, so this is … a little reward?"

"You could say that," Chase nods and I quickly glance at the bags under his eyes and some part of me feels bad for his stressy state.

The feeling's gone soon after Chase takes out a lighter which I've dubbed as a flamethrower (it's cool, not like those weak lighters found at the dollar store, it works even when it's flipped upside down) and pulls out a joint. I watch him for a few moments, not knowing if he should be smoking more but say nothing. Is it bad that I think it's kind of hot? How he lights it, I mean? I'm totally against normal tobacco smoking because it has no benefits, like cancer, but … I would be lying if I say the bad boy stereotype isn't appealing.

Chase offers the joint between his fingers and I only raise a brow in response. Daring's warning rings in my head.

"No, thanks," I tell him. My leather jacket is not a façade, I'm not pretending to be tough, there are just certain risks I won't take.

Chase smiles. "Responsible. I like that."

 _Not really, I'm an adrenaline junky._  I think to myself but don't tell Chase this. If he were to know what kind of stunts I do in my free time, Chase would surely have a heart attack and maybe start lecturing me.

"Yeah, you can totally trust me." I say instead as he puffs away.

"Want to share a snack?" He asks.

My face twists. I can't help but chuckle under my breath. He offered me food minutes ago but I say 'yes' anyway just so I don't hurt his feelings.

Grabbing his school bad once again, Chase digs around in it for a bit before asking me, "Have you seen my  _Kit Kat_  bar?"

This time, my tiny chuckle turns into a loud snort. "You ate it all, Chase."

"I ate it?"

"Yeah, you ate the whole thing. I watched you."

"I don't remember." He utters, eyebrows scrunching, joint still hanging from his lips.

I can only smile bigger in return and continuing plucking grass from the ground.

I bet if I were to do something stupid (like confess to him) then he wouldn't remember it either. Maybe. I don't know the after effects of weed (much). Also, okay, you caught me, I do have a sort crush on Chase. He's just so nice and responsible (when not baked), how can I not?

But then again, I also have a crush on another person. Ah, Apple White and she's sort of going to be my brother Daring's girlfriend so that's kind of messed up. And Chase is sort of a school rival so I suppose that could also be messed up? I'm not talking  _War of Roses_  big but … people will make noise if word gets out.

I'm so deep in my own head that I don't notice Chase snuffing out the fire. I only come to my senses after Chase begins drumming his hands on his lap. But even then, I'm startled when he abruptly stands up. I can't help but think,  _Where are you going?_  as my eyes follow his tall figure.

Then Chase answers my question for me by going, "Do you want to take a walk with me around the field?"

Well, there's not much to do but wait until Fencing starts. Plus, I know for a fact that I like spending time with Chase so I shrug and reply, "Yeah, sure, I have nothing else to do."

"Alright." Chase says and offers a hand to help me get up from my sitting position.

I hesitate – for only a second – but only so I can wipe my hands briefly on my jeans (grass mildew) then let him pull me up. There's no cliché romantic spark when our hands touch. It's just a touch, the moment goes just as fast it comes. And after he lets go of my hand, he doesn't turn back, already having his long legs taking deep strides.

I follow after him, expecting silence until Chase tells me, all polite, "So tell me about your day."

And I do. It's boring and nothing significant happened but Chase listens anyway, occasionally nodding and grunting and asking short questions. It's not awkward or one-sided, I know how Chase is when he's high. The first few signs that the weed's hit him is that he hums to himself and even does little skips. Which he does.

"Has it hit you yet?" I ask casually as we're half-way through the field.

"Yup," He replies, steps wobbly. He's leaning to one side more.

There's this goofy smile playing on Chase's lips. Yeah, he's as high as a kite (and happy, which I'm a little sad that he has to turn to drugs for. I'm trying not to fret too much like Dare, I don't judge, but I can't help but feel a teeny bit sad).

"My memory is clipping." Chase says. This expression screws up as if he's concentrating hard now.

I add an "Uh-huh" and then the conversation does end for good this time. Not out of rudeness. I know it's not because Chase isn't listening, it's because he  _can't_ really reply. So, yet again I say nothing. I just continue walking beside him and just look at him.

The sun's setting in a way and it's cheesy because I can't look away from Chase. It's just – there's this sun glow around him like a halo, it's making his skin look golden and his dark hair softer. His eyebags are barely visible, his smile looks more permanent and his jaw more prominent. I shouldn't be thinking all these things when Chase is tripping balls not two feet from me but I never said my life had good timing or made any sense (much like how Wonderland High operated).

The only thing I can hope for is that this crush makes sense because I'm more than a little tired of being torn between two people. Even if they aren't offering me a relationship. Sometimes I think I'm going mad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 2: I've been wanting to write Chase high for ages. I think it's hilarious because there's a lot of talk that Alice in Wonderland is a major trip itself so I think to experience all the Wonderland-ness, you gotta be on something. While in Ever After High, it's just a train wreck of mashed fairy tales so really, how can you not pour yourself a glass of whatever? Plus, I want drama.
> 
>  **You don't have to agree with me**  but I'm kinda into shows now that just talk about alcohol and drugs. I'm not promoting it, but I do wanna explore it in my writing.
> 
> – 29 December 2018


	3. Chapter 3

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter three**

* * *

 

* * *

I know school can feel repetitive at times, sometimes it feels like a vicious cycle that's never-ending, but I get a sense of déjà vu when lunch comes along. A pale hand lands on my shoulder, it feels like yesterday morning except the hand doesn't belong to Cupid because Cupid just so happens to be sitting  _across_  from me at the lunch table.

When I connect who's hand it is, with my eyes going up the person's arm and face, I almost choke on my food. I  _wished_  it was Cupid touching my shoulder. I really did at that instant, but nope – it's Apple White!

"Hey, Apple." Raven speaks nonchalantly. She's too caught up in the greeting to notice me low-key choking. I drink some juice to cover my mini-moment.

Here's a short backstory with an added bonus secret. The backstory; Raven was Apple's science project partner last semester (I remember because I distinctly recall trying my  _absolute hardest_  not to ask Raven a billion and one questions about Apple). The secret; I never told Raven (or anyone) about the crush thing.

"Hi, Raven." Apple says back sweetly then nods as she says our names. "It's good to see you, Cupid –"

Cupid waves back, mouth too full to reply.

"– and Darling." Apple continues, grinning that cheery smile.

I almost choke again but manage to restrain myself, only giving her a polite nod and a meek smile in return. It may just be the gay in me, but I swear her eyes stay on me longer when she says my name.

 _God_ , it's  **never**  like this with Chase because  _I know him_. At least I'm  _friends_ with Chase but I don't even _talk_  to Apple. The thing with Apple is; she feels like such a fantasy. I can't help but make believe and imagine fairy tale endings when she enters my thoughts. Apple is literally like a dream come true. Which is why, like what I said to Dare, it's  _not_  wise for me to talk to Apple. There are  _so many_  uncertain possibilities when I'm with her. Like, what if I catch the feels even more? I can't risk that – and it's not because I'm afraid of being outted (though Ever After High can be a little judge-y). It's because it's obvious that Dare has feelings for Apple and I'm pretty sure Apple is straight so …

I mean, do you know how sad it would be to chase after a girl who has no interest in you and will never return the feeling?  _Very._ But, apparently, everyone is either blind or choosing to not recognise my feelings today because nobody notices my stressed state.

"Is there something you need, Apple?" Raven asks just as Cupid finishes chewing her food, ready to talk and participate in the conversation.

Without lifting her hand from my shoulder, Apple bats her long lashes and sing-songs, "Ah, yes, I need to talk to Darling."

Wait, me?!

Apple says, "Darling." Oh yup, that's me. "I spoke to Daring and he said you won't be able to come to my party  _this Friday_." Apple emphasizes like I have little time to make up my mind on whether I want to go or not even though I already rejected the offer. Apple continues, still sounding wounded, "I asked Dexter and he said he could come, can't you reconsider?"

Um, is one of my crushes asking me to blow off my other crushes to hang out with them? Is there a guidebook for this because I don't know what to do! My throat goes dry as all eyes are on me.  _Holy heck_ , I think I might pass out (and that would be embarrassing)!

I swallow, "I –"

I already said 'no' but –

"She can't, she has plans." Cupid says for me, jumping in.

I almost cry from relief but don't. Though, I do think, _Cupid you angel!_ and just bob my head again, not saying anything and only staring at the ground to avoid Apple's  _Bambi_ -eyes.

Not to be rude or anything, Apple gracing me with her presence is  _God-sent_ , I tell you. She's beautiful with her pale skin, ruby red lips, stormy grey eyes and voluminous golden curls. Plus, whenever I hear Apple talk, her voice always sounds like it's singing me to sleep and her perfume smells  _fucking amazing._ It'll take  _everything_  in me to concentrate on her words. If I look at her, I might fall harder, so I'm looking at her shoes and even  _those_  look amazing.

"Is it important?" Apple asks me yet I still refuse to meet her eyes.

Oh, I don't know how to answer that. It's literally just Chase, Maddie, Alistair, Bunny and I goofing around but it's a plan and I  **want** to commit to it. Needless to say, I manage to utter a convincing, "It is."

"It's such a shame, don't you think?"

Uh –

I want to say 'maybe' but someone else beats me to the punch.

"Maybe –" Raven speaks, offering an alternative. "– you can reschedule the party, Apple?"

I know Raven's trying to help ease off the pressure but I also want Apple to stay and talk to me as long as possible, so maybe acting  _this incredibly awkward_ will somehow benefit me?

"I can't reschedule an entire party, Raven, that'll disappoint everyone. I can't let them wait an extra day. Plus, I have a theme – TGIF." Apple answers like it's crucial. "Are you sure you can't come, Darling?"

Oh God, the pressure is back on! And why does my name roll off her tongue like that? I'm starting to feel guilty. I think I'm sweating like a sinner in a church, I'm almost at my breaking point, until someone else speaks up.

Cupid says to Apple, "If you insist on hanging out with Darling so much Apple, why don't you do just that on the weekend after the party?"

Yeah, why don't I just –

Wait ...

Cupid –

"Like maybe go to the mall?" Cupid continues talking. "Or movies? Or, oh,  _oh_! I heard there's this new –"

I immediately stop listening because  **WHAT?**

_Cupid!_

No. Nonono! Cupid, I swear to God, don't try to be a wing-woman! I  _will_ clip off your wings!

Apple tilts her head as she listens to Cupid chatter excitedly, letting her blonde hair tickle the side of my cheek. Why is she still standing so close to me? Apple squeezes my shoulder as the conversation drags on.

"Hmm, that …" Apple starts off her words slowly. "That wasn't my intention but the girls and I –" 'The girls' are Apple's popular squad; Briar Beauty, Ashlynn Ella and Blondie Lockes. "– are planning to go shopping on Saturday but I don't mind Darling tagging along."

I make a squeaking sound and Raven looks about ready to answer on my behalf, she knows I'm never  _this quiet_ , but I jump in before Raven can open her mouth.

"I can't possibly intrude your day with the girls!" I reject like a bumbling idiot, finally finding my voice, talking too loudly. "Besides, why do you even need me there? I'm sure I'm not worth your time." I blurt out then immediately want to take it all back.  _Oh_ , why did I say that? I immediately want to smack myself in the face. I would never embarrass myself like this if I were talking to Chase!

"Well, I – I just," Apple stutters.

Her snow white skin easily turns a shade of pink, making me lose my train of thought. Apple's blushing, _hard_. She's adorable! And I _can't_  look away, I  _can't_  give Raven this side glance to telepathically ask her the question of 'what should I do?'.

"I wanted to ask you something, an opinion, and it's sort of personal. It may, um, take a lot of time to get through the story." Apple manages to say, lovely face growing hotter.

How can I say 'no' when she's looking like that? Scratch that, how can anyone say 'no' to Apple White?

"I –" My voice trembles and my hands ball into nervous fists under the table. "If you say it like that then …" Oh gosh. "… then how can I say 'no'?"

"Really?!"

Apple squeals and her hand moves from my shoulder to grab my hand in rejoicement. Once again, there's no magical spark but holy shit, she's –

"You'll do it?!" Apple asks again.

"Y – Yeah. Yup. Uh-huh." I say, ever synonym to 'yes'.

"That's great!" Apple says then lets go of my hand and addresses the table. "Raven, Cupid, thank you  _so much_ for accepting my  _Facebook_  invite for the party." I manage to throw Raven a look that says 'you are?' which she isn't able to answer because Apple addresses me next, "And, Darling –"

Ah, crap. I tear my eyes to look at Apple's stormy grey ones. I notice some shade of blue in her irises and immediately forget about what I was thinking of.

"I'll see you on Saturday." Apple tells me and smiles. at. me.

"O – Okay."

And with a final nod of her head, blonde curls bouncing with her every movement, Apple turns on her red heels and leaves our table.

I'm still stunned, watching the sway of Apple's skirt as she goes back to her friends, Cupid doesn't even read the air and immediately starts talking about the latest rom-com she started watching but I can sense Raven watching me when I slowly turn my head back to her. I don't really know what to say. Can't find the words to. But I'm pretty sure Raven has a lot of questions to ask me in private later because I think Raven's figured out a thing or two about my 'love life' mess.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I say all this stuff about Darling being cautious who to like but I'm the opposite, I fling my heart at anyone who even looks at me. I apparently have a type. The girl I sort of had a crush on in second year turns out to be gay but I never made a move and now I'm just like "Why am I an idiot?" because I follow her on Instagram and she's so cute but taken? So now I'm making it my mission to talk to this shy guy I also liked in second year because we work at the Law Clinic together. The only problem, I volunteer and it's a module for him so our schedules don't align.
> 
> – 30 December 2018


	4. Chapter 4

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter four**

* * *

* * *

I cave in – and by that, I mean I tell Raven  **everything** about my crushes on both Chase Redford and Apple White. Raven had cornered me in the girls' bathroom like some maniac and I spilled like an overflown sink. Cupid's absent because, it's like I said, we're friends but we aren't that close.

Let's face it, the fact that I held this secret to myself is a miracle itself. And maybe I've overexaggerating because 'love' is just something too extravagant to belittle, but by the time I conclude the summary of my 'love life', it's clear that things are a messy ordeal.

"I understand why you would like  _her_ , but tell me," Raven says. "what's so special about  _this boy_?"

As I curl a silver-ish blonde strand of hair around my finger, I'm secretly glad that Raven is using codenames for my crushes. Just this morning, I was a nervous wreck, then minutes later I was paranoid that someone would eavesdrop on our girl talk and spill the beans, but now I'm calmer. We're referring to Chase as 'boy', 'he' and 'him' while Apple is 'girl', 'she' and 'her' – it's anonymous and a little funny if you've watched  _Bird Box_  on  _Netflix._

I chew on my lower lip, tasting the raspberry lip gloss I applied. I'm trying to find a way to defend my feelings for Chase while Raven watches me think.

Raven's arms crossed as she leans against the bathroom wall all cool like. Meanwhile, I'm sat on the sink, swinging my legs. So, this conversation has gone on  _longer_  than I thought and we've pretty much skipped fourth and fifth period because of it. If my mother were to know, she'd freak. But, I think it's obvious that I'm not the best role model and this isn't my first rodeo, so,  _hey_ , what are you gonna do about me and my bullshit?

"I dunno," I shrug, lifting a shoulder. "He's just nice." And isn't a nice boy a somewhat definition of a safe crush? "He doesn't trip over his own feet to talk to me like most guys at Ever After High. I like that he's friends with me, I like that he doesn't push me to do things. He's responsible –"

"When he's not high." Raven butts in.

"Yeah …"

Ah, I think that's Raven's biggest issue with Chase – the weed thing – not that I blame her. Raven didn't seem all that surprised when I said I had feelings for Apple. Apple's a good person to have a crush on; she's sweet and science-y smart and charismatic in a leading way. The whole school is familiar with our beauty queen, it isn't much of a surprise to find out that 1/3 of the school's population is in love with Apple and … I think I've been too obvious in liking someone like Apple (apparently, I have a type when falling for female celebrity crushes) so, yeah, Apple's a good person to crush on. Chase on the other hand ...

Shaking off my nerves, I ask Raven, "You don't have a problem that he's from  _the other school_ , do you, Rae?"

"Of course not." Raven answers. "It's just the drug thing."

"Hmm," I nod, I see that my previous speculation was correct.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Raven pushes herself off from the wall and starts playing with her long, dark hair.

I blink. "It?"

"Yeah, are you going to confess to either of them?"

I swear I almost choked on air. "Confess?!"

" _Darling_." Raven gives me a pointed look, her purple contacts beaming through me. "You can't just keep your feelings to herself."

 _Why not?_  I think to myself.

"It's eating you up alive." Raven answers the question in my head despite the fact that I hadn't said anything. Maybe it was the face I made, but, I swear Raven has magical powers sometimes, like mind reading. "If you don't say anything then nothing's going to happen. And when nothing happens, you'll end up nowhere. And nowhere leads to your feelings crashing and burning. You'll regret not telling them, Darling."

Does Raven really have the right to say all this to me when she doesn't even admit her crush on Dex?

I, however, don't say that. Instead, I tell Raven, "Look, I get that there's  _some conflict,_  but the most logical route is, um, Chase, right?" Crap, I've just said his name. Oh, who cares? Nobody's been in the girls' bathroom since last period. May as well go all out and continue mumbling like a madman.

"Really?" Rave raises a brow. Her face says, 'You haven't even tried anything with Apple yet'.

"I mean, I'm actually friends with Chase. I can talk to him and form legitimate sentences, unlike when I'm around Apple. And, ah, I think he's straight so he might like me back, I don't know? Even if he doesn't, I know he'll let me down gently." I wring my hands together. "Apple, on the other hand, she's totally straight, she's dated tons of boys and the last time I checked, I'm not a boy, so –"

"You're stressing too much about this."

"Am I?"

"Yeah."

"Well," I throw my arms in the air. "What do you expect me to do? I told you I can't choose! And I can't confess to both of them! I'd be royally fucked if I get my heart broken twice. It's best I give up on one and just choose the other and live with the consequences."

Raven touches my shoulder and sighs, "You can't live like this."

No shit. Especially since today's Friday and I'd have to see Chase and the other Wonderlandian kids soon.

Pinching the bridge of my nose, I say, "I get that you're concern, Rae, I have landed myself in a really weird situation but ... have a little faith in me, will you? My hangouts with Chase and Apple will just be hangouts. Nothing can possibly happen, it's a group thing, we're surrounded by friends, we won't be left completely alone. Worst case scenario is I embarrass myself. Best case scenario is someone falls in love with me. But the likely scenario is we just chill and nothing changes. I mean, what could possibly go wrong?"

"Bold last words." Is all Raven says as her face twists into this knowing look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I've been lazy and I'm down with the flu, but I've got like … 3 or 4 chapters plan I think? I dunno. But I do know that I'm gonna abandon this fic after I reach a certain point. I just want to get it out of the way, tbh.
> 
> – 3 January 20biteen


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 1: Disclaimer on bullying!

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter five**

* * *

 

* * *

When school ends that same Friday, I find my way back to Wonderland High, back to those fields and back to those sketchy looking bleachers.

But, this time, I don't even have to make my way under those dark bleachers. This time, I don't act like I'm some vigilantly sneaking into a school I don't attend because I find Chase sitting in the sun, hands folded on his lap. My silver sneakers take me up up up the steps until I find myself sitting next to him.

"Hi." I smile at him, casually shrugging off my backpack and cradling it.

"Hey." He greets me, as polite as always and his grin brightens his boyish good looks.

I pretend I'm not basking in our little moment but it's clear that I'm swooning on the inside. Having crushes is the best and worse. I have butterflies in my stomach and sweat on my palms and my heart's beating wildly in my chest but I also love it, it makes me feel alive. It reminds me of all the adrenaline thrilling junk I do in my free time.

"How was your day?" He asks just for conversation's sake while we wait for Alistair, Bunny and Maddie to show up.

I laugh a little, pushing the talk I had with Raven out of my head. Though, not completely because I say to him, "Boring. But, um, I skipped two periods today."

Chase fakes shock, even putting a hand on his chest like he's suffering from a heart attack. "Say it ain't so, Miss Charming! And here I thought you were responsible!"

I let out a snort. "No, that's just you, Sir Redford."

We then chat for a little bit more. Chase fills me in on his day, which, I have to say, is more exciting than mine. It makes me a little envious because I have to go looking for adventure while Chase doesn't; it goes looking for him. Though, Chase corrects me. He says it's called 'trouble' (not 'adventure') before telling me how he spent free period running after some hooligans trying to skedaddle out of school. He managed to catch one but the others escaped, not that that did any good for the escapees because the guy Chase managed to hold down gave out the names of his friends and detention was 'awarded'.

It's all jokes and fun time until I start to notice the time ticking by. That, and Maddie's texts chiming in (I know it's Maddie because she hacked into Chase's phone once and we all set up 'specialised' ring tones which Chase is still, to this day, not bothered to change).

I check my wristwatch one more time and wait for Chase to finishing texting Maddie before I ask nonchalantly, "Where are the others?" I even turn my head to get a good look around the field. No one's making their way towards us, I don't see the rest of the Wonderland kids.

"Oh, um," Chase makes this expression and I can't help but stare. Uh-oh, that face he pulled doesn't look good. "Alistair and Bunny are sort of having  _this thing_ ," Chase explains to me, rubbing the back of his neck all awkwardly like he's uncomfortable talking about it. "They're not … fighting per se and they definitely aren't broken up, but they're crossed with each other so Maddie's gone off to calm them down. Hopefully, she'll get through with somebody."

I instantly feel a knot in my stomach. "So they aren't coming?"

"I don't know." Chase answers me honestly.

If the others aren't coming … If Alistair and Bunny are most likely not coming and Maddie's busy trying to coax the couple then … does that mean?

"Chase?"

"Yeah?" Chase blinks at me.

I lick my lips. "So, um, will it just be the two of us then?" All day?

"I –"

"Like … a date?" The words fly out of my mouth without me thinking and I  _almost_  throw myself down the steps but don't because I  **want**  to see Chase's reaction.

However, when  _I do_  see his expression, I immediately  **want** to rewind those few seconds to throw myself down said steps because –  _oh shit_  – Chase's whole face changed. But not in a good way. He doesn't blush deep red or avert his cornflower blue eyes shyly or any of that – he just shuts down. I  _instantly fear_  that I've touched a nerve or landed on a sensitive topic. I want to say so many things. I want to apologise and ask and even laugh because I'm those people who laugh when they're nervous but, unfortunately, I don't get to do any of that because Chase answers my question. It's serious and cutting, a firm boom.

"No." He says sharply.

Ouch.

"This is not a date." He says matter-of-factly.

_Ouch._

Nonetheless, I pretend it doesn't hurt.

"O – Oh." I say and damn it, there's a quiver in my voice. "I – I'm sorry for assuming." I gaze at Chase's face and he's really retreating on me. I shouldn't have asked. "Look, uh, I'm really … I'm _really_  sorry about that. We don't have to hang out today if you don't want too. You can just … we can … I – I'll go home – " I ramble. "There's this party this girl at my school is throwing tonight and you how long girls take to get ready. I already said 'no' but maybe I can still go, so –"

But Chase quickly shakes his head and his voice dips with a soft tone. "No. Don't."

What?

Chase's dark brows scrunch up together as he explains, "Maddie, uh, she's definitely coming with us. She's just trying to see if either Alistair and Bunny are willing to come. If not, we'll leave the two alone but Maddie's coming."

"That – That sounds reasonable." I say, my voice now small.

"Sorry." Chase says, exhaling a heavy sigh. "Sorry, I didn't mean for you to think that the whole plan's cancelled, I just …" He pauses, searching for the right words. But I think he gave up half-way and decides to tell me the truth because he says, "I don't want our hang out to be just the two of us."

(insert internal screaming here)

He continues talking, avoiding my gaze, "I don't want anyone seeing you and I together, and getting the wrong idea."

'The wrong idea'? Fuck,  _am I that revolting_? Is it because I'm a bad student? It's the leather jacket, isn't it? I look like those delinquents Chase has to hunt down on a daily basis, right? Or … is it something else? He says he doesn't want anyone  _seeing us together_  so what. does. that. mean? 'Seeing' – is it my looks? I know I look  _a lot_  like my brothers but I didn't think I'd be rejected because of that.

Not picking up on my self-loathing, Chase says, "If it's okay with you, we might have to wait a few more minutes for Maddie to get back to us, but, we're definitely still hanging out."

I should have just booked it out of there. I should have just acknowledged the elephant in the room and fled, called Raven and Cupid, go to Apple's party and drink the night away but I don't. I don't because I'm stupid(ly in 'love') and hope(lessly in 'love')ful that Chase will turn things around.

"Y – Yeah, sure, I'll wait." I reply, still stuttering, voice an octave up.

Chase nods, a single gesture, then pulls out his phone and starts texting furiously.

It's quiet for a moment and I feel horrible. I feel like running away from the bleachers, digging a hole into the field and burying myself alive in it.  _Things can get worst_. It's happening right now and  _oh God_ , why did I think Chase could possibly like me back? I'm an idiot. I'm a total fucking idiot –

"I'm sorry." Chase says suddenly, eyes gazing out into the fields. His expression is blank and he seems to have aged while I had been mentally beating myself up.

"What?" My blue eyes flutter widely and I stare at him.

"About earlier."

"Earlier?" I mutter. "Oh! Um –" This time, I shake my head. "It was just a misunderstanding, Chase. I didn't know Maddie was still coming and you looked uncomfortable. I just thought,  _you know_ , I just – It's nothing, really –"

He still has this far away look but he still speaks and cuts into my words. "No, I'm not talking about that."

I raise a brow. "… You're not?"

"I'm talking about rejecting the idea of dating you."

Oh. Fuck. Okay. "It's – It's okay." I lie.

"No, it's not." Chase says and for a moment, I thought he was gonna confess or something but then he says, "It was rude." And, ah, there it is; manners and politeness. "It's just ..."

His voice trails off and I feel a storm coming. Not literally, figuratively, but it feels just as real. He blinks a few times and I can't take my eyes off him, I'm anticipating some punch in the gut.

Chase sucks in a deep breath then tells me, "I had this … break-up with an ex-girlfriend a few months ago – " Crap. "– and it's still fresh. To me, at least." He pauses again. "Um, I'm still trying to figure things out so … yeah.  _Yeah_. Sorry – I'm sorry about that."

"O – Oh." Another shot to the heart. Ouch.

"I'm really sorry."

I pat his arm all awkwardly. "Don't apologise, it's not your fault. I was – I don't even –" What am I supposed to say? 'I don't even like you that much anyway, it doesn't hurt, you didn't hurt my heart'? No, I can't say any of that! " **You**  –" I say and try to emphasize on that. "You're  _always_ such a great guy and I thought," I'm about to lie my ass off and say too quickly, too hurriedly, " **I** thought, **you** were trying to pull _something_ on **me** ,  _buddy._ " I lie through my teeth, reversing the scenario because I can be a little shit when the time calls for me to be one.

Chase snaps his head back to me, he's very confused. "What?"

"Yeah. You see, um, **I** thought  **you** were implying –  _you know_ , before you explained things – I thought **you were suggesting** because we talked for like  _forever_  and **you** didn't say anything about the others and when you did … you said they weren't possibly coming so I – I thought –"

Chase breaks into a smile at this. He probably finds it hilarious that I'm tripping over my words. "Oh,  **you** thought that **I** was _insinuating_ –? You thought that I was hinting at you? Oh. No." Chase's tense muscles relax under my hand. "I mean, that's good to hear I didn't hurt your feelings or anything." Haha,  _totally._  "But – Yeah, um, you're a really good friend, Darling."

Man, I just got friend-zone – hard.

"You too." I say and resist the urge to add 'buddy'. I want to die right now.

Unfortunately, my funeral arrangements were put on halt when Maddie shows up – all curious eyes and crazy, frizzy turquoise dyed hair. She waves her little hand and motions for us to follow after her to the parking lot. I jump into Maddie's car while Chase takes his Red Knight motorcycle. I'm briefly relief by the short separation.

Maddie plays silly songs the whole way to our destination to a diner for lunch. We don't say much, not because we have nothing to say to each other, but because Maddie doesn't like talking while driving; she needs all her attention focused on the road. I'm fine with the lack of conversation because I let my mind wander.

 _Maybe Chase's ex cheated on him._  I can't help but think to myself and twiddle with my thumbs as the radio blurs and becomes white noise.

I mean, those kind of betrayals messes with a person's trust. I completely respect Chase's answer of 'no' (and maybe I shouldn't have tried to reverse the burden of who-was-asking-who to ease the awkwardness) but he had said it so harshly. If it were true, if Chase was cheated on and he was afraid of it happening again, then I'm hurt. Hurt that Chase would even think that I would be capable or deliberately hurt him like that.

But then again, I  _could_  just be jumping to conclusions. I'm just assuming about a cheating partner to begin with, I don't  _truly_ know the reason behind it. I just know that Chase is on edge about dating. I know I shouldn't take it to heart, but it stings.

.

.

.

I wish I could say the day ended there, I wish I could say it  **doesn't**  get worse. But it does, much, much worse.

.

.

.

"Hey!"

"Loverboy! HEY! I'm talking to you, Loverboy!"

"Look over here, loser!"

A bunch of boys are causing a ruckus. I have no idea  _who_ they're shouting at, my back's to them, but I hope it's to their friend. I hope it's playful banter and I hope they calm down soon because they're getting  _really annoying._  The diner staff are busy with lunch being rush hour. I don't blame them for attending hungry, paying customers first instead of acknowledging these loud idiots.

From across me, Chase and Maddie look stiff. I can see they feel as uneased as me. I think nothing of it until one word turns everything around.

"Bitterford!" One of the boys scream and this time – the yelling catches my full, undivided attention because –  _'Bitterford'?_ Is that a play on words on 'Redford'?

I try to turn from my seat to look at the three boys hollering but one shake of the head from Maddie and I stop myself. However, I do snap under my breath.

"Who are those jerks?" I ask, feeling uncomfortable. I think my temper is rising.

I hear a growl of frustration in Chase's voice as he replies, "Kids from our school."

"Are they bullying you?" I ask, straight to the point.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, but Chase is willing to. He immediately lifts his menu to avoid my gaze and I have to hiss his name so he doesn't do that again.

" _Chase_."

He. can't. do. that! I know Chase has bad anxiety, he's probably shaking like a leaf on the inside and won't show it!

"It's nothing, ignore them." Chase answers, glaring at his menu, not looking up.

"Why are they jeering at you? Do I need to beat them up?" I offer.

I catch Maddie shift from her seat as if she wants to explain but Chase speaks before she gets to.

Flicking his gaze from the menu to me, Chase shakes his head and tells me, "Don't. I don't want you getting into trouble."

Trouble? Who cares about that!

I try to protest, "But, I –"

"Those jerks deserve trouble, they're a bunch of bullies who spreads lies about Chase." Maddie's words pull me in. She puffs up her cheeks in an angry manner and tells me in a low whisper, " _Honestly_. They're just plain mean and there's no need to taunt Chase, he's a good guy! All this – all this foolishness – because of a stupid break-up."

My heart stops. Oh, I didn't think that brief mention of Chase's break-up would be so significant. I also didn't think it'd be this serious and damaging. Oh shit.

"It wasn't even a bad one, right, Chase?" Maddie continues. "Lizzie said so, didn't she?"

I don't know what to do, my head is reeling. I want to do something.  _Anything_. But, Chase  _won't_ let me think with my fists so all I can do is focus on Maddie's glassy eyes.  _Oh,_  she's about to cry.

"Maddie, please." Chase flashes Maddie a warning look then his eyes land on me, but it's clear that Maddie's already said too much.

"But, Chase, you did nothing wrong!" Maddie speaks like she's pleading, "You and Lizzie talked things through and you're still friends. Good friends. Everyone knows that; me, you, Alistair, Bunny – even Kitty and she doesn't care about anything! There were no hard feelings after the break-up, I don't understand why they're so mean to you."

Maddie then turns to me like I can help with the situation but I can't really. Not without context. I mean, I'll gladly beat those idiots up but Chase doesn't want me to so I can only rely on logic, reasoning and words. However, judging by my obvious confused look, I think my Wonderland friends know that **I**   _want_  to know more details but don't want to pry.

Chase leans against his seat for a moment, blocking out those boys who are still taunting him, and starts speaking. "It's  **not** complicated. Not at all. Those  _boys d_ o know but they just don't want to believe it."

I'm silent the whole time but I want to scream 'Let me help you, Chase! Please. Please, please, please!'

"Those guys …." Chase explains with a heavy weight on his shoulders, "Those guys think I broke up with Lizzie because I'm – excuse my language – 'a virgin, gay loser',"

I feel my body fill with rage and anger.

"I'm not any of those things." Chase utters and touches an eyebag.

"They're spreading lies!" Maddie says.

"Yes, they are." Chase agrees. "But that's not what I'm mad about. I'm mad that –"

"I'm gonna beat them up." I threaten, not allowing Chase to finish his words.

"Don't." Chase warns me, the third time today. "Don't you dare. Violence isn't the answer."

"You tackled a guy just today!" I scream a little. I don't want to turn this into an argument but damn it if I'm not going to put up a fight.

"Yeah, but I didn't beat him up." Chase reasons, trying to lower my voice.

"Chase, they're calling you all these horrible things and making fun of a community, I can't just – I'm not going to let this slide –  _You_  can't let this slide, you can't stop me, I'm – I'm bi!" I practically yell and –

Fuck, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm not making any sense. I know.  _I know._  This is a horrible time to talk about my sexuality but I don't care, the insults touched a spot, okay?

I rise from my seat, ready to tear these guys to pieces with my bare hands but I'm stopped. So much for 'you can't stop me'.

"I said – don't." Chase hisses, hand on my arm – when did that get there? – and I feel the rage in my chest up itself by twelve percent.

I'm about to rip away from the table and come flying at these nitwits when a waitress approaches the boys' table. She's standing tall with authority, brimming with sass, and even though she's somewhat hard to hear from the distance, it's obvious that she's got things covered. There's not much protest, I'd like to learn what the waitress had said to them, but I'm overall just glad things are handled. Those boys get up from their table seconds later, leave the diner's premises and I sit down, out of respect.

Though the menaces are gone, it's understandable from the outcome of things that Chase, Maddie and I don't even have the appetite to eat. We just order some drinks, sit for maybe five minutes then decide it's best we cancel our plans and go back home. I barely touch my dinner too.

* * *

I'm too bummed to go with Dare and Dex to Apple's party by the time I come home early. I'm in no mood. I'm still  **so angry**.

 _This is bullshit!_  I scream in my head as I lay on my back on my bed and just stare at the ceiling. This isn't right,  _today wasn't right_.  **It was horrible**  and I feel horrible for Chase. What he experienced, what those boys said to him. It's all bullshit.

Picking up my phone, I quickly unlock it with no real aim until I find myself opening my messenger app. I don't even know who to talk to this about until I find myself scrolling through my previous messages with Chase.

I see he's online and immediately asks him something stupid. Stupid because it might open flood gates of emotions.

 **are u ok? do u need someone to talk to?**  I ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 2: Next chapter may be emotional.
> 
> – 4 January 20biteen


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 1: I edited a bit of chapter one to make Darling's relationship with her siblings a little bit sadder. Just added the fact that Darling isn't as close to Dexter but I will also mention it in this chapter.

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter six**

* * *

 

* * *

 **u can call me if u want.** I double text. DOUBLE TEXT. Because I'm desperate and eager.

 **I've talked about it a lot of times with Maddie and Alistair and Bunny.**  Chase's text read as I stare at the screen of my phone.  **I don't want to burden you with my problems.**

Damn it, Chase, why are you so nice? You don't deserve this! I get it, it's probably not best to overwater a flower. But I can't help but still want to help and reach out. Chase is a good person, he doesn't deserve this, he has enough problems as it is.

 **if u want**  – I start typing then erase it. And then I rewrote it.  **if**   **u want, i can meet u face to face and we can talk. i know u said u don't want to, but sometimes u just need to get stuff off ur chest, u know?**

I don't even know what I was thinking when I offered to meet up and talk to him. Wait – actually, I do. I was thinking foolishness, that's what.

 **I know**. He writes back. I think he's rejecting my offer until he doubles texts me and asks,  **Are you sure you can meet me?**

Oh, shit, I didn't think that he would say 'yes'!

 **yeah, sure!**  I tell him because I can't just flake out after offering and, uh, looks like I'll have to sneak out.  **when and where?**

**The park? Near the benches. I can meet you in ten minutes.**

* * *

I bite my lower lip as my hands shake but I manage to text Chase back,  **make that 20.**  I'm hiding in the rose bush under my window, the thorns are digging into my skin but I don't move.

"Dexterous? Dexterous, where's Darling? Did she sneak out  _again_?" I hear my mother's voice shriek followed by my twin brother padding down the hall and into my room.

"What? Sneak out?" I hear Dex ask in an astonished voice like I would never dream to be a rule-breaking piece of garbage. "Don't you remember, Mother?"

"Remember what?" My mother asks, impatience laced in her voice.

I hold my breath, scared shitless. I can't move from where I am, I'm too scared she'll hear me!

"Darling's having a sleepover at Chariclo Arganthone's house." Dexter says and for a moment, I forgot that not everyone refers to Cupid by her last name. Most do, but there are rare people like Dex who refers to Cupid by her first name and middle name – kind of like those girls that go by 'Mary Alice' or 'Jackie Lynn'.

"Chari-who?" My mother asks.

"Cupid's. Darling's at Cupid's house." Dex says, lying smoothly, covering for me. "They had to do that  _presentation,_  you know the one she told you about during breakfast?"

My mother must have been rubbing her temple, searching the archives of her memory because there's a moment of hesitation before she answers, "I don't."

"The one where one of their groupmates didn't bother to do anything so Darling and Chariclo Arganthone were left to pick up the slack." Dexter continues.

My mother's face must have fallen or looked defeated, muttering something like 'I'm getting old' because Dex's voice drops into a hushed tone.

"You're always stressing yourself out, Mother, come, let me make you some tea."

"Don't you have to go out? A party?"

"I can be late, I don't mind."

There's another long pause. Another hesitation, then –

"Alright." My mother finally huffs.

The footsteps fade.

I thank my twin silently as I see both his and Mother's silhouette move from the window to further down the hall.

"Jesus," I whisper as I extract myself from the rose bush.

Then I run like I've never tasted freedom.

It's only when I'm out the gates and around the block do I get a text from both Dex and Cupid; Dex saying how I owe him one while Cupid freaking out about Dex texting her first. Man, tonight will be a wild ride.

* * *

When I mentioned that there were favourites in the Charming family, I wasn't kidding. It's clear that Dare is our father's favourite. It should sting but it actually doesn't because I'll always be 'Daddy's little princess' and Father never brings down Dex over Dare's accomplishments. Father used to (and still does) pat Dex on the shoulder encouragingly over activities.

Dex used to participate in these activities half-heartedly just to feel included but he doesn't do that now. Actually, he never needed to because it was obvious that Father never expected much from Dex; he was free to do whatever he wanted (something I've always envied about my twin).

Or, at least, that's what it sounds.

That's how Father is like. Mother, on the other hand, is never clear on who her favourite child is. I say she prides my hair but I don't think she's ever looked at me past my 'beauty'.

When Dex and I were younger, we used to be close, so much so that we didn't even need to tell each other things to understand one another. People used to ask us how we did it; how we knew each other's unspoken thoughts and we'd use to shrug and say, "It's a twin thing." But now we've drifted, so much so that I don't even know if Dex even likes anyone or not, much less Raven or Cupid. It would be easier if I could read his mind like I used to.

Anyway, if I remember this correctly, Mother's uncertainty is what drove Dex and I apart. This drive to compete to see who is Mother's favourite really ruined things between us. But, now, I suspect Dex has taken this favourite role; he's really smart, close to being valedictorian and I'm just the mistake child. Sometimes I think things would be a different story if I got absorbed in the womb like those freaky twin stories.

I know it's a weird thought but I think of this the whole way while I run to meet Chase.

* * *

If I wanted to make this really cliché, I could have met Chase at the swings at the park but this isn't about the romcoms in my head right now. It's about Chase.

When I arrive, Chase is already sitting on the bench, illuminated by the streetlight above his head. In this yellow light setting, he looks so tired. Even his casual wear couldn't fool me – jeans, a black shirt peeking and a bright red jacket wrapped around his body and hiding his sadness.

"Hey," Chase says, standing from his seat once he sees me.

"Hi. How are you? Are you okay?" I ask, repeating my words like a parrot yet trying to be careful.

Unfortunately, I'm not careful enough because I see his lower lip quiver a little from my question and I immediately dive in to hug him. I wrap my arms around his waist and try my best to squeeze the sadness out of him while squeezing some comfort into him. My ear is pressed against his chest and I heart his slow heart. He rests his chin on the top of my head as he returns my hug. I can't see his face, can't read his expression, and for one moment, I'm so  _incredibly fucking scared_  that he'll fall apart and start crying right there and then – but he doesn't.

When he pulls away, I see his cornflower blue eyes are glassy but not overflowing with tears.

"Do you wanna talk?" I offer and when he nods, I guide him back to the bench.

"That's what I came out here for." He jokes and I want to punch him for trying to make me feel better by lightening the mood. This isn't about me!

"You should tell someone about the bullying, Chase." I tell him, vibrating with anger but Chase must have taken it as a sign of me shivering from the night cold and drapes his jacket around my shoulders. Even when I'm supposed to be taking care of him, he's taking care of him. "Tell the teachers, get those bullies expelled. Isn't Alistair's mom the Headmistress of the school? You have the upper hand, Chase, use it! Even if you can't, Alistair should be able to persuade his mother if you can't, right?"

"I … I don't know." He shakes his head. "I know that I should say something, I swear Alistair will report it on my behalf if I don't do anything about it, but … it's more personal, Darling. I can't. I don't know how. The school wouldn't understand."

As we're sat on the bench, Chase hunches over a little and I watch him try to squeeze his tall figure into a tiny one. He's hiding. I hear him take deep breathes and for a moment, I'm scared that he's having an anxiety attack.

But then he swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing and says, "So, we're here to talk, right?"

"Take your time." I automatically say.

"I've done this plenty of times with Alistair, Bunny and Maddie, but talking about it is still hard sometimes." He smiles at me, no humour behind it.

I wait, staying true to my words. I want to give Chase a big hug but I don't want to invade his space. I'm really bad at comforting people.

"About those comments ... about those guys." Chase finally speaks. "When I said I was mad, it wasn't because of the insults. Yes, it hurt but it was more about the meaning behind it." Chase mutters, still appearing small. "I was mad because … I'm ... I think I'm ace?"

I only blink in reply. I wish I could have an 'oh!' moment but I don't get it just yet. "Can you … elaborate please?" I ask.

Chase furrows his brows, "I might. I say 'I think' because I'm not entirely sure either."

I nod my head, still patient.

"Okay, um, so the insults, right?" Chase starts. "The one about my sexuality. I don't know how to explain it since I'm not one hundred percent sure of it myself. But just know that I'm mad about it. And it's not because of what you think it sounds like. I'm mad because they just assumed things about me. They don't know  _anything_  about me. Heck,  **I** don't know  _some_  things about me so who are they to label who I am?"

Then Chase looks down at his shoes and the ground like he's trying to melt a hole in. He closes his eyes briefly like he's trying to control his temper. His eyes flutter open a few seconds later and his face relaxes like he's remembering a fond memory.

"A part of me understands why they would hate me though. For breaking Lizzie's heart." He says softly. "Lizzie's the Captain of the Croquet team so she's popular. Really popular. She has a lot of admirers. Uh, I was ... I was one of them." Chase tells me and there's this nostalgic sweetness in his voice. But then his expression changes and he clears his throat.

I tuck my chin on my knees, feeling Chase's jacket around my shoulders shift.

Chase looks at me and asks, "Remember when I told you I'm not any of the things those guys called me?"

I dig around in my memory for a bit. I hate that it's necessary but somethings these bad things are just relevant. Once I'm certain that I do remember, I nod.

Chase mimics me, bobbing his head once. "Keep that in mind."

Keep that in mind? Chase told me those awful dumbbells called him 'a gay, virgin loser'. He says he's none of those. Chase just told me he might possibly be ace. And he's definitely not a loser so that just leaves –

Oh.

_Oh._

"Um. Lizzie and I …" Chase pauses. "We've done it."

I nod understandingly.  _This is about Chase._  I tell myself.

"You can stop me if you think it's awkward." Chase tells me kindly.

But I only shake my head. "No. Just tell me. I'll listen."

"Okay," He rubs his knuckles together then starts talking again.

I get a sense that it's going to be long and life-changing between Chase and I.

"I never really had much of a drive for intimacy, but it … happened." Chase confesses nervously. "And I thought ... it was ..."

"Bad?" I offer just in case he's too much of a gentleman to say it.

"It wasn't. No. It wasn't bad but it didn't live up to the hype. At the time, I thought, 'Oh, sex must be one of those over-rated things', social media and romanticising sex and all that nonsense. That, and also because it was the first time."

I nod once again, pulling the jacket around me like I wanted to hide from the world along with Chase.

"But, then, um, you know … us being teenagers, it happened more times and ... uh, Lizzie liked it." Chase says this slowly, a blush crawling up his face. He rubs the back of his neck. "She liked being intimate but I … didn't." I brace for  _something_  as Chase rambles on, embarrassed and flustered. "I'm not saying Lizzie's bad, she's not.  _She's not_. She's a really good girlfriend – was – and – God, I can't believe I'm – Sorry." Chase stutters.

"Take your time." I remind him. "It's okay to stumble over your words."

"I – thanks." Chase straightens his posture, takes in a deep breath then continues. "It's – It's like I said, the sex was fine. But, I just ... wasn't enjoying it. People kept telling me it gets better, like a skill, you get better at it, you know? But, nothing changed. I wasn't crazy about it. I just ... It felt like a chore more than anything."

And as Chase says these things, he looks somewhat guilty. I can tell he's blaming himself so I open my palm for him to take. And he does. He's going through so much and it sounds like he's done so much thinking about this.

Chase's finger twitch for a moment, then he continues talking, "Anyway, my frustration grew after that. And I say it's frustrating because I didn't ... I didn't feel normal. People were raving on about sex and losing their virginity and saying like 'that person's super sexy' with their abs or whatever, and I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. And because of that, I thought something was wrong with me, it felt like I was ... empty. Or, forever hungry but nothing could fill me up. If we're still looking at it from the food analogy, it was like; all I can do is look into the fridge and not eat anything because nothing can ever satisfy me."

I squeeze his hand. God, this hurts like a motherfucker to see Chase beat himself like this. To see him talk so poorly about himself.

"And then one day, I realised that ... I wasn't sexually attracted to Lizzie. I'm not saying I didn't love her, because I do. I, I did." Chase corrects himself and I  _now_ know for a fact that he still loves his ex  _so much._  And he says this. "I did love her. So much. She's a great girlfriend. I mean,  _she was_ , because we broke up, but – I, I realised I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. Always thought genitals were weird and gross looking. If I were to picture anyone naked, it's like those  _Ken_  and  _Barbie_  dolls. Nothing down there. Just nothing."

I see his eyes glimmer with tears.

"And due to this realisation of that lack of sexual attraction, I felt like I wasn't satisfying Lizzie as much as I would like to because I didn't feel  _it_. I didn't _feel_  the connection. I felt like I  **wasn't**  doing enough or giving enough. I, I – I felt like I was lying to her and lying to myself and I, I – I couldn't – I couldn't do it anymore – I just – _I couldn't_."

He's crying now.

"So I broke things off even though I still have feelings for her. I really care about Lizzie but, at the time, I didn't know what I was feeling. I didn't know if something was wrong with me. I thought I didn't love her, I thought ... I kept thinking I was broken."

God, I am crying now.

"I felt so bad when Lizzie cried. I wanted to take it back but I also didn't want to hurt her any further, I kept thinking I was lying to her because I didn't feel the same. I felt like I was leading her on because I wasn't good at being intimate and I was scared that I'd bump into someone one day and cheat on her because, maybe, I'd finally feel it. Maybe the spark would finally be there … until I realise that's not how it works."

Shit. Shitshitshit. I let go of his hand and wipe away his tears. Everybody's crying.

"I'm not saying every ace person is like me. I'm just saying, it sucks that I don't ... " He trails off, his lower lips trembling. "It sucks that I can't _connect_ with people who like being intimate. I ... I just don't feel like I'm enough to anyone. Including myself."

What do I say to that? My hands are still on his face, I'm looking into this sad, blue eyes but I can't bring myself to make the words come out of my mouth.

"You don't have to say anything." Chase says like it's reading my mind.

I came here to talk to Chase but the night proves to be getting worse and worse. It's just Chase talking and me being helpless. All I can do is listen, I know it's better than nothing but I still feel so bad.

"You're enough." I finally find my voice. "You're enough, okay?"

Chase gives me another smile. I can't read it. "Thank you." He says as softly, like the quiet night.

I give him a hug this time, hold him tight like I'm trying to keep him safe from all the horrors of the world. My problems seem so small compared to what Chase's faced. I don't know how long I held him like that, felt like forever. But when Chase pulls away for the second time tonight and my hands are back to my side, I can see that he's feeling much better.

"If you don't mind, Darling," Chase says. "I think ... I think I'll be keeping to myself for a bit."

"But, the bullies."

"I know. I know but … I need some space to ... I don't know, detangle some things. My thoughts are all over the place so, um, I need – I need some space, okay? So I won't see you as much."

I'm saddened but I can't say this isn't for the best.

He adds, shivering from the cold, "I hope it's okay because – well – you've just listened to me word vomit all my problems then here I am, telling you I'm going to disappear off the face of the earth for a bit so ... no offence or anything."

"Of course. Of course, none taken." I say and pat Chase's arm. "I understand." I say.

And I do. I genuinely mean it. It's not like Chase is pushing me away. He needs time. And I'm pretty sure he's oblivious to my teenie tiny crush on him so I'm not the problem or causing any more conflict. Chase just needs any spare time he was for himself. He just has to sort some stuff out, find himself. And it's not like I won't see Chase during Fencing lessons. I will. It's just, I won't see him as much as I would like – outside and after school, for example.

"Take as much time as you need. I'll see you during Fencing." I tell him and withdraw my hand then ball it on my lap. "Just – reach out anytime. I'm always here to listen."

"I will." Chase says, exhaling a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Darling."

"You're welcome." I exchange my smile with his.

.

.

.

And then the night ends with us parting ways.

.

.

.

Parting ways and me getting busted when my mom who finds me in my room with Chase's red jacket still around my shoulders.

Even though I'm tomboyish, it's clear to see that the jacket  _isn't_  mine, it's clear that it belongs to a boy that isn't my brother and that  **won't**  slide with my mother. So she grounds me and restricts me away from my room (it's a Charming family thing to do, you never know how much your room means to you until you don't have one). My phone and laptop are taken away.

Yup, this night only gets worse. I feel like I just lost a friend, and I have a new dilemma; how am I going to tell Apple about our cancelled plans on Saturday?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 2: Based on personal conversations with ace friends and my own sexual confusion because I don't know what I am. Bisexual? Ace and bi-romantic? Hmm? My friends said they've been getting ace vibes from me since first year due to the things I've said and done. But I thought I was bi since I was 18. I dunno, bro. I'm somewhere.
> 
> – 4 January 20biteen


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 1: So, on the prev chapter, I'm not saying an ace person can't be in a relationship with someone who is sexually active, my housemates are proof, I ship them so hard, but it's a little difficult in understanding. Especially if you don't know you're ace. I know someone who's ace, she didn't believe in bisexuality (because she didn't know she was ace so she thought everyone thought of sex and sexuality the same way as her). She legit had the mindset that bisexuality was for attention because she didn't think anything special of genitals and sex, kinda like, "I don't like ice-cream so I don't get how others would like both vanilla and chocolate ice-cream." So, yeah ...

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter seven**

* * *

 

* * *

Because the punishment for getting grounded is being forced away from my room, I, unfortunately, don't have any access to either my phone or my laptop. And because Dare and Dex are at Apple's party, the situation forces me to stay up and wait for my brothers in order to get a hold of either of their phones.

When my brothers do get back, Dex looks absolutely livid while Dare looks like he's in big brother mode – which is basically Dare being protective and clucking over us little siblings. I've heard of the phrase 'party hard' but I didn't think Dex could party  _this hard_ ; with a wild look in his blue eyes, tossed hair and wrinkled clothes.

"Can I borrow your phone?" I say to Dex as soon as I scramble off the living room couch. I'm already dressed in my pyjamas and Chase's jacket is locked in my room.

"What? My phone?" Dexter asks, blue eyes wide and frantic.

"Yeah."

"Why?" Dexter's voice dips. "What have you heard?"

I have to raise my eyebrows at this.  _Heard?_  Why does my twin sound so suspicious? "Um, nothing. You covered for me before, remember? I got caught and now I'm grounded so, you know, I'm locked out of my room and can't touch my phone or laptop."

"O – Oh."

"What do you need a phone for?" Daring asks, looking not even drunk. Which is rare.

But I don't question it and, soon, Dare gestures for Dex to get himself a glass of water from the kitchen, leaving us blonde's alone.

"I need to text Apple, she invited me out on a girls' day at the mall and I need to tell her I can't make it. You have her number, don't you?" I say and thought –  _duh_ , I should have asked Dare since he obviously has Apple's number and Dex doesn't.

Dare pulls out his phone but gives me  _this look_  before handing it over. "You can use my phone but don't read through my texts. No snooping."

I only wrinkle my nose at this. I tell him nonchalantly, "I've seen the things you send Apple, they're just memes about  _Disney_  and bunny rabbits."

I've looked over Dare's shoulder plenty of times. Especially since he's always laughing when he's texting Apple (or other girls who like him), and I can tell you, Dare doesn't keep secrets, _ever._

" _Hey_ , I take pride over those memes. They're hilarious!" Dare defends himself then gives me his phone. I unlock it without a moment of hesitation – yeah, I know his passcode. "Anyway, just send  _one text_  then go get ready for bed."

"Okay, Mister Bossy Pants." I reply as Daring rolls his eyes and goes to check up on Dex.

I sit back down on the couch, now completely alone, I begin typing my message. It takes some trial and error because I don't know how to address Apple, but once I've written a text that's a cross between being formal and me trying too hard to be casual, I pass Dare's phone back to him.

"If you're bored tomorrow, don't bug Dex, come to me." Dare warns me once his phone is back in his pocket.

"Hangover?" I ask.

Dare only shakes his head then shoos the issue away and says, "I'll knock on the guest room if Apple texts you back."

"Okay." I answer then I make my way to said guest room. When I say I'm locked out of my room, I'm not kidding. The only exception is when I need a change of clothes or the need to grab my homework. Everything else is off limits.

This weekend will be slow.

* * *

"Where's Cupid?" I ask once I slam the door to Raven's car on Monday.

Raven flinches when I turn to her. And for a moment, I think I've shut the door a little too hard until I notice Raven avoiding my gaze.

"Raven?" I ask, voice soft.

"She won't be riding with us for a while." Is all Raven says before she turns up the volume of the radio,  _Lorde_ 's singingdrowns out any chance of conversation.

I can do nothing but stare at her in confusion. "You can tell me." I say to Raven. "If something's bothering you, you can tell me now."

Raven doesn't answer.

So I prod further, "Are you and Cupid fighting?"

Raven shifts uncomfortably in her seat. I bet if she wanted to, she could just not head to school. She could just stop the car and tell me to get the bus or something. But, she doesn't.

"Please tell me, Rae." I plead. I'm not saying she owes me since she practically forced me to admit I have two crushes, but I want some clarity. "I'm grounded so I don't have my phone with me." I add just so she knows I'm unfortunately limited and sadly can't be there for her always. "Please tell me what's wrong."

The expression on Raven's face is unreadable. She grabs her steering wheel harder, so much so that her knuckles turn white. "Maybe later." Is all she says and silence falls once again.

What happened when I wasn't around?

* * *

When we arrive at school, there seems to be this weird tension in the air; people are whispering and acting all defensively. At first, I think it's me. But then I notice my mistake. It's not me everyone's staring at. It's Raven who's walking beside me.

"What's wrong?" I whisper to her, feeling overwhelmed by all the attention.

"Nothing." Raven hisses. "It's nothing,"

"Rae." I open my mouth to ask more, maybe be a more reassuring friend, but then Raven excuses herself.

"I'll see you later, Darling, I have to do something." She tells me and swerves away.

I don't even get to reply, I only watch the back of her wrinkled shirt disappear around the corner. Maybe she's doing in out of politeness. Maybe Raven doesn't want me in the same spotlight as her, but I can't help but feel that same hopelessness I felt when Chase told me about his problems. It's so bad that I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should stay by Raven's side or go find Cupid or ask somebody who knows what's up.

I end up doing none of those things. I end up giving myself space and hiding in the girls' bathroom. I think it'll be all quiet and serene. Just me and my thoughts until it isn't.

Just as in fixing my hair in the mirror, I hear a sniffle. It's faint like someone's trying to hide it. For a moment, I hope it's neither of my friends. Then I hope that it is one of them, because maybe I can finally get the bottom of things. But, after a beat, I realise it's not a voice I recognise all too well. It's not Raven or Cupid. I think it's probably someone crying over a break-up or a failed pop quiz until I see red shoes peeking from under a stall.

I know those shoes.

_Oh shit._

Moving slowly, I walk closer and hover my ear over the stall. I'm not going to press my ear against it because bathroom stalls are gross, nobody gets paid enough to clean the place thoroughly, and because that's sort of an invasion of privacy.

"Ahem," I clear my throat and the sniffling stops altogether.

The person on the other side must be frozen in fear at getting caught crying and as stiff as a board but I push on.

"Apple?" I say. Yup, I just caught the most popular girl in school crying in a bathroom stall. "Are you there?"

And as soon as those words leave my mouth, the stall door swings open. Apple's stormy grey eyes regard me for a moment. Her mascara is running down her pale face and she looks like she's seen hell.

But Apple only answers me with more crying and a wet shoulder.

"What's wrong?"

"A – Apple, are you okay?" I stutter because I don't know what else to say.

"Darling!" She exclaims. Then Apple flings her arms around her, burying my face in her curly blonde hair and clouds me in her expensive perfume.

Oh.

 _Oh_.

This is bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes 2: Close to the end, my dudes, because I have no idea what the hell's happening. One more update.
> 
> – 4 January 20biteen


	8. Chapter 8

**trembling stars are shining**

* * *

**chapter eight**

* * *

 

* * *

This past few days of my life has been nothing but tears, I don't know what's going on anymore. It's all overwhelming and I feel so exhausted but I can't turn away from  _anyone_  who's crying. So I find myself in the situation; with me pathetically patting my hand on the back of the most popular girl's back, trying to comfort her beauty queen tears.

After navigating through Apple's tears and quivering voice, I managed to decipher what she's so distraught over. It all boils down to this: everyone's been pressuring Apple to date Daring. And when I say 'everyone', I mean 'everyone'. The whole damn school is shipping them – which is why I stand by the saying of not shipping real life people.

One of Apple's friends, Blondie Lockes, is even advertising the coupledome like she's paid to do it. Apple had wanted to talk to me about it earlier, on the accounts that both my brothers are linked to this mess. (a) Dare is the possible object of her affections and (b) Dex co-runs the blog along with Humphrey Dumpty being into tech and everything.

I try to make sense but I think I'm  _the worse_  when it comes to understand love and my brothers. I end up in this ramble that, yes, Dare does like Apple. But, Dare also has this open dating policy. He told me. He said he knows that a lot of girls liked him and that he wanted to make things fair, said it was better to stay single and give every girl who was interested in him a chance. So he personally would never pressure Apple to be with him. it's a nice gesture, it really is. But it could be misinterpreted and read as Daring being a douche-bagel flirt. I think Dare's just open-minded to polyamory relationships? I dunno, high school is a weird time, what do I know about anything? I barely understand Math.

In the end, I say something stupid like, "Apple, I think Daring will probably never settle with any girl until he's seventy," and that makes Apple laugh. It's like music to my ears but I really shouldn't be celebrating.

I mean, what was I thinking?

_Wait_ , I've been down this path! Foolishness, that's what!

The likely chances of me being with Apple is pretty damn slim. Apple's the type who would either end up as Student Body President or Prom Queen or both, but not with me. Apple has high expectations unlike me, I'll probably remain in the student body's memory as 'an untouchable quirky, manic pixie dream girl'. Plus, I hadn't exactly told anyone my bisexuality until recently. It's was 20gayteen and now it's 20biteen but sometimes ... it's a little difficult telling people. Maddie might known before I told her, but then again, Maddie's a bit weird. I swear Maddie can read minds sometimes.

"Thank you for listening, Darling." Apple says, sniffing. Then she turns to me and gives me another hug, head on my shoulder.

I square my shoulders and simply study the cold tile walls like it's the most interesting thing on earth. I try not to flinch at the close proximity.

"You're a good friend." She adds with a smile when she pulls away.

Man, friend-zoned again? This year just isn't my year, is it?

Well, at least I know I won't have to deal with my 'love life' bullshit for a while. Can you image bad girl Darling Charming dating someone? I can't.

Plus, I completely avoided  _the talk_  with Daring. Can you imagine if I did have to talk to him? What would I even tell Dare if he were to find out I was dating either one? "Hey, I'm dating this boy from our rival school Wonderland High. His name is Chase Redford. He's cool, he lets me ride on his motorcycle sometimes even though I don't have a driver's license. Also, he so happens to smoke weed. Also also, he's always stressed and has anxiety"? Or, "Hey, I'm dating Apple White who was potentially supposed to be your girlfriend but  _psych_ because it turns out she's super gay"? Both are big no-nos!

"I hope I didn't burden you too much." Apple says to me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"N – No. It's fine." I stutter.

"Are you sure?" Apple makes a face. "I'm sure you have enough on your plate."

Uh, what? Does she know about Chase? Yeah, it was a lot to digest – the bullies, the ex-girlfriend, the sexuality – but I'm always here for a friend.

But, I don't say any of this because Apple can't possible know so I ask, "What do you mean?" instead because I'm lost.

Apple's face twists even further. She looks at me like I'm a helpless lamb. Then, with a shaky breath in, Apple asks, "You should have seen it on Blondie's blog."

"I'm grounded, remember? I still don't have my phone with me." I answer, feeling this rock in my stomach. I don't like where this conversation is going.

"O – Oh." Apple munches on her lower lip. "Um, didn't your brothers tell you?"

"My brothers?" I raise a brow. "Neither Dare or Dex has said anything to me. No."

Apple's clearly taken aback from this. "No? Then … your friends?"

"My friends?" I echo back, confused. Now we're talking about Raven and Cupid? What does this have anything to do with my girls?

"Yes, your friends. They should have told you. They were involved. I mean, so were your brothers so I just thought …" Apple replies like that itself should have been a clue.

When I continued making my 'what?' face, Apple takes a minute like she's considering telling me since no one has told me.

Then she says slowly, "My party. It happened during my party."

I only shake my head. "Apple, I really don't know what you're talking about. Will you just tell me. What happened?"

* * *

My hands are shaking around Apple's cherry red phone. My mouth opens and closes, not being able to say a word. I must look like a fish, but I don't care. My blue eyes take in every word written on Blondie's blog and I can't help but feel the need to cry. Disregard everything I've dubbed as 'a mess' because this –  _this_  – is a mess. Everything has gone up in flames while I was away sorting my own personal bullshit.

If I could take a step back; if I could do that to see the bigger picture, I think I would have puked at the cliché-ness of it all – this huge, cluster-fuck of chaos. It truly has gone to shit for everyone I care about.

Who thought this was a good idea? What God thought this was funny? To mess with me like this?

Logically, it's best for me to remove myself from this equation, this narrative. Lay low because  _this_ has nothing to do with me. Because I never went to that party. Because I'll probably only make things worse and there must be a  _sensible_  reason why no one had told me.

Yes, it was the  _best_  logical thing to do.

.

.

.

(But nothing is ever that easy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: I may have drafted this fic in October 2018 but this is all I've got so ... toodle-oo!
> 
> – 7 January 20biteen

**Author's Note:**

> lmao, bye


End file.
